Christmas Shopping - "A little leather from the store..."

(Suggestive, but safe for work)

One of my favorite radio morning shows makes a point of being inclusive of gays. They're not over-the-top about it, they don't try to hard, they just are. The clip is one of their DJs singing, by the way.

I spent most of yesterday with my younger brother, shopping for gifts for his girlfriend, and for our parents. We stopped by a spa to get a gift cert for his GF, and the sales woman at the counter asked me if I was here for an appointment when I walked in. For literally every other guy that walked through the doors, she asked "Can I help you purchase a gift certificate?" I'm not sure what to think of this, lol.

On a sidenote, my brother and I so much closer now versus a year ago. It's amazing, really. I think since I came out, he sees me as a genuine person, rather than some pseudo-competitor held on a pedestal. We still bicker, but it's friendly, not angry. When I started picking on his taste in colors for a gift for our dad, a saleswoman quietly asked, "Is this how you guys normally shop?" We both laughed. ;-)

He's apparently planning to marry his girlfriend. When he brought up dating, I ended up pouring out the last six months of my love life to him in reply. His eyes glazed over. I was mildly-amused. What's difficult is that I can't talk about this with my mom or dad; I've committed to the "I'm not dating anyone" story, and am sticking to it, until I find that guy that's the right one for them to meet.

So at the moment, I'm stranded at home, car-less, and watching CNBC. Next time I visit, I'm renting a car.

Now What?

I'm at my parents' house, loitering on their wifi, and just now have had time to really soak in what everyone's said. Thank you.

I still feel immature for being so emotional. I've actually spent the better part of the morning wondering if I should send a message, or just lay low for a bit. On my way to the airport in Austin, I was discussing all this with my ride. He's pretty sure he couldn't stay "friends" with any of the girls he'd dated.

Should I bow out of New Year's or not? After talking with a friend who did New Year's in downtown Austin last year, I'm thinking I may not want to go, regardless of the relationship drama. It's super-crowded, super-expensive, and a hassle apparently. On the flipside I don't really want to go the same party I've been doing for the last three years (again). Maybe I'll see about getting myself invited to something somewhere in-between. S is still invited to my New Year's bash later that weekend. I dunno if he'll go. I didn't invite his friends, but told him he should forward it along so the decision is his if he wants them to go.

Since I'm at my parents' house and I forgot four or five items I was supposed to bring with me (new digital thermostat, some PC parts, at least two gifts), I'm project-less at the moment. None of my friends are here either. I think we're starting to drift away a bit, since they're all married. Checking around, I'm guessing that my gay high school friend had some sort of falling-out with his family; it looks like he hasn't actually visited his parents in a few years (based on facebook).

Completely changing subjects: Do not confuse DOS-style command line (e.g. "dir /p") switches with *NIX-style command line switches (e.g. "ls -lrt") when running a beta operating system. Typing "shutdown -h" in a remote system running the Windows 7 RC as an administrator causes a machine to hibernate, NOT display help text. *sigh* Thankfully I thought of this a few years ago and set up an automatic power-on policy at 7AM every morning. Of course that meant spending most of Monday without my primary PC. I have a very strict policy of keeping personal stuff off my work laptop; I access my personal stuff via remote desktop over the web, so I've been blog-less for a bit.

Shoutouts
Corve: Corve DaCosta's Blog - Twenty-something marketing guru in Jamaica. Go have a look! (Of course since he's in marketing, a google search for his ID obviously finds what he wanted us to find, right?)

I cried on his shoulder, but we're "just friends" now.

I caught up with S this evening, just before we were supposed to meet up with the larger group for our viewing of Avatar. I got to his house and presented his gift to him as we sat in the glow of the lights from his Christmas tree. After a few minutes, he asked if I had any more relationship concerns, and tears welled up in my eyes. I said that I did, and that I was intimidated and scared of being in a relationship with someone with so many moving parts. We talked it out and hugged.

When he gave me a peck on the cheek, I, a 27-year-old 6'3" 185-pound power broker, started to cry.

We talked a little, and he asked what I wanted. My reply: "Just go back to being friends." He said he was a little disappointed, but wanted what was right for me. He also said he appreciated my honesty. Aww.

After I gathered myself up, stopped crying like a little girl at a Twilight screening and got myself back to normal, I reminded him of his gift. He liked it, and wore it out for the evening. :-)

We got to dinner late. I presented a few more gifts, and tried not to act weird. Throughout the evening, I've had a knot in the back of my throat. We sat with one of his friends between us in the theater. The movie was stunning in 3D. Afterward, he drove me back to his house, we hugged again, and I wished him a good night.

I've been dreading this conversation for the better part of a week. It's hard for me to describe how I feel now that it's done, though. Sadness, relief, fatigue, heartache all cover some aspect of my mood. I just don't understand why that is. I worry about how he feels too. I wonder if I managed to say "I'm sorry," to him last night? As I drifted off to sleep, I realized I think that's what I feel the most -- sorrow, and remorse for hurting someone.

I don't want to lose this friendship. I like him; my friends like him. I just couldn't figure out a relationship with him.

He said he's still coming to my New Year's bash though. :-)

Emotions Suck. I have to break up with him. But how?

It takes a lot of effort for me to admit that I'm an emotional creature. I maintain a calm, cool posture, and among my friends am known as that bedrock that is unfazed in just about any situation. However, at the moment, it's taking me a lot of effort to avoid crying.

I just got back from a dinner party. It's 4:30AM. I spent the last two hours talking relationships with "C," someone who I've come to realize is my best friend here in Austin (and probably overall as well). I brain-dumped the situation with S, and his reaction confirmed my thoughts: I need to stop seeing S.

Of course, I've got plans to catch up with S Sunday evening for a viewing of Avatar 3D along with several of his friends, and then will promptly catch a plane to my parents' for the rest of the year. C says I should break things off before the movie. Give them the tickets, make it a Christmas gift, and just say "I'm sorry... I'm not right for you. You need to be able to find that Mr. Right. Goodbye, enjoy the film," and then walk away.

I can't do that. I just can't.

First, I've already bought Christmas presents for S, his BFF "Yellow," and his Soul Mate "Green" + Green's partner. Second, I'm going to a big social function with them, right before the holidays. I don't want to put a damper on things. Third, I'm leaving town Monday!

I feel wretched. I don't know what to do. The "easy" solution is to have this talk after I get back in town after January. This lets him enjoy his holiday. I think either way, I'll be miserable.

Hell, at the moment, I have a headache. This may be due to the alcohol from the party, but I'm pretty sure it's stress-related. It probably won't go away until I resolve this.

We're still dating, and I still have a job. I think.

Longhorn Caverns, just outside of Austin. Danger ahead!

I caught up with S Thursday evening for coffee and a movie, and talked for a couple of hours before and after. Two really good friends of his have been asking him just what our relationship is, and he didn't know so he asked me.

I brain dumped to him, laid out all my concerns (his personal life, his finances, his work life, past loves, the closeness of his friends, his family, everything). I didn't want to hurt him, myself, or anything, and just see where this goes. I told him I asked him out casually, knowing that we're different enough that one of us would drive the other insane, and that things would end naturally after a few months. They haven't, lol.

Regarding his friends, he's got two super-close friends: his BFF, "Yellow," and his "soul mate," "Green." Yellow I understand; they hang out, do stuff, talk, and are just good friends. Green, however, I don't get. Green has a partner, and has been with him for 10+ years. S and Green met last year and immediately realized they were "soul mates" (his words). They're in love with each other (again, his words), but S has promised Green and his partner that he won't come between them. S also promised that he'll put our relationship first before his with Green. I can't fit any of this in my head. I just don't understand how everyone in this situation can be OK with this. For my part, I don't want to get tangled up in it! Green's already jealous of me!

His concerns with me: I don't let my guard down around him. He wants to see more of "the real me." He also wants to see me more often. I realized that being with him takes a LOT of energy that I don't have at the end of a work day. When I leave the office, I'm mentally drained, and just don't have the energy to go out and do anything more than have a drink, eat dinner, or watch a show. This is why I ate out six nights a week for a good portion of the year. He says I need to work on my work / life balance. I replied that I just signed up for a job that's even MORE difficult. He said he was aware of that.

Of course where I rattled off a list of shortcomings, he rattled off a list of compliments about me. He was OK with the incongruity in this. I'm still not sure I'm OK with that. He's OK with me not being OK. lol

So he said he's willing to see where things go, as long as I communicate with him. If they end in me just saying "I can't do this," that's acceptable, but he wants to try. I genuinely don't want to try, because I think this is where it'll end. But I'm trying anyway.

RE Work: I still have a job! lol. Apparently middle management gets annoyed with upper management makes a staffing decision for them. That's really what happened (I think) yesterday. Hopefully the "Deal" the execs worked out involves me transferring sometime in January.

In summary, I feel a sense of foreboding, and almost dread. I've felt this way before, usually when I know I'm stepping off into the unknown.

Venturing into the Heart (of Darkness)